GADZ KNATTHEWS BLOWS REMAINING BUDGET ON “CONTROLLING THE SKY” FOR GADZTO ’25
Hires retired weatherman, buys 40,000 hairdryers, and launches legally questionable helium sun
Kernow — In his latest baffling financial move, Gadztonbury founder Gadz Knatthews has allegedly spent the festival’s remaining funds on an ambitious and completely unlicensed weather control plan, vowing that “Gadzto ’25 will be 23°C, partly cosmic, and spiritually dry.”
Sources say Knatthews has hired legendary disgraced weatherman Phil “Cloudhands” Croxton, who was last seen shouting at a seagull on BBC Look North, to “whisper respectfully at the clouds.”
WEATHER-MOD TECH
Highlights of the operation include:
- 40,000 industrial hairdryers arranged in a wide ring around the festival site, programmed to simulate a “low-key Ibiza breeze”
- A helium-inflated artificial sun named Solero II, tethered above the Field via a stolen Go Ape zipline
- Fog-eating goats, genetically encouraged to prefer “damp atmospheric grazing”
- And a sky priestess from Totnes who plans to “negotiate directly with the jet stream” in exchange for wine gums and interpretive dance
Knatthews told Gadzto FM:
“I’ve had it with weather apps. One told me ‘scattered clouds’ — my gazebo ended up in Callington, I’m talking to the clouds myself — in Morse, through a didgeridoo.”
As the budget now sits at £-2A^2, officials are urging attendees to bring their own tents, snacks, and possibly sunscreen-flavoured optimism.
Meanwhile, the UN Weather Ethics Council has declined to comment, again.
🌩️ Quote from Phil “Cloudhands” Croxton, Weather Whisperer
When asked about the feasibility of controlling the weather at Gadzto, Croxton gazed toward the horizon and muttered:
“Weather is not a forecast, it’s a feeling. If I hum in C minor long enough, the rain gets confused and just… waits.
I once diverted a thunderstorm using only a harmonica and regret.”
He then produced a laminated photo of a cumulonimbus and whispered, “She knows what she did.”
Click for the latest weather forecast for Launceston.
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