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GADZONTBURY CHAOS DEEPENS AS QUANTUM CLOUD TICKETING SYSTEM CANCELLED
Founder Blows Entire Budget on Crypto Flip and Washed-Up Celebs on OnlyFans
KERNOW — Just weeks after promising a revolutionary “quantum-cloud-based” ticketing system for next year’s Gadzontbury Festival, organisers have confirmed that the entire project has been scrapped — after founder GAdz Knatthews allegedly lost the festival’s remaining funds in an ill-fated cryptocurrency gamble and a “deeply emotional spending spree” on premium OnlyFans subscriptions.
In a tearful, shirtless Instagram Live broadcast from what appeared to be the inside of a shipping container, Knatthews admitted he had tried to “turn £80 pounds into £8 billion” by betting on a blockchain-based coin called BopsIsTops69. The coin, launched last Tuesday by an Estonian DJ with no known surname, crashed 99.8% within six minutes.
“I was told by a guy named ‘Pistol’ in a Discord chat that it was gonna ‘moon,’” Knatthews said, sipping from a mug that read Live, Laugh, Stream. “Instead, it just sort of… evaporated.”
ONLYFANS OVERLOAD
According to leaked financial documents, Knatthews then spent the festival’s contingency fund — estimated at £1.2 million — subscribing to more than 370 former 90s pop icons on OnlyFans, including:
- Two members of Atomic Kitten posting exclusive “Whole Again slow-jazz remixes”
- Dane Bowers teaching fans how to cook lasagne with “Big Brovaz seasoning”
- The last surviving member of Vengaboys livestreaming themselves ironing vinyl trousers
“I was in a bad place,” Knatthews explained. “Also, Baby D said if I tipped another £100, she’d sing ‘Let Me Be Your Fantasy’ using only kazoo and rainstick.”
QUANTUM CLOUD DISSOLVES
With the funds completely drained, Gadzontbury’s promised “quantum-cloud-holographic-ticket-chain” — which was being developed by start-up QuBitMeHarder Ltd — has now been cancelled, leaving early-bird ticket hopefuls to resort to more traditional means, including scrawling their names on rocks and hurling them at festival HQ.
Chief Tech Analyst Meg A. Byte expressed deep concern: “This system was never going to work. For starters, they kept referring to quantum servers as ‘magic internet cubes’ and thought blockchain required actual chains. Also, the servers were being cooled using Tesco meal deal sandwiches.”
FESTIVAL FUTURE IN DOUBT
As of now, Gadzontbury 2025 hangs in the balance. Knatthews has vowed to refund ticketholders “as soon as Basshunter pays me back.” In the meantime, organisers are urging fans to retain their physical ticket stubs from last year, as they may double as emergency currency once the pound inevitably collapses again.
World leaders are expected to meet again in Geneva next week, with the UN Secretary-General declaring, “This is no longer just a music festival. It is an escalating metaphysical crisis.”
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